Releasing Shame

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What is it about shame?

Holding on to shame, continuing to harbor negative feelings about our sense of shame, severely limits us from being who we’ve been created to be - we don’t feel great about ourselves because we’re ashamed, feel less than, having to hide something; we aren’t as open as we’d like to be, particularly if we’re seeking authenticity, which so many of us are today.

What kinds of things do women feel shame about?

Well, there are the “big” things lying, cheating, stealing (…oh, Lord, I hate to admit it, I’ve done all of those things at one time or another). The things we did do and the things we didn’t do. And the other things we wouldn’t particularly want our neighbors or colleagues to know about us.

Where does your body hold shame?

Often shame lodges in the belly and/or solar plexus. Begin to notice where you feel your body reacting to the shame you feel about a shame-inducing incident. It feels to me like I’m pulling in, hiding, covering myself.

Go kinda easy on yourself

One of the gifts I’m receiving is an opportunity to heal huge amounts of shame I’ve held on to for years, as well as the more recent stuff. Although some of it feels pretty crappy, there is also space and a peace, particularly as I can open up and let God into those dark and lonely places. I am so grateful that I can see the benefits of this process – as it’s pretty foul stuff that’s coming up. This is what I’ve been asking for…to be clean and used by God. Wouldn’t it be great to appreciate more of our process/journey? Hopefully, more and more with time - I guess this is part of the process, too! It’s not an easy process, but I can feel it will be well worth it.

INQUIRY:

How would your life be more fulfilling with less shame?

Cleaning up messes

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When I first started my coaching training years ago, I was introduced to the work of Thomas Leonard (God bless him!).   One of the concepts struck me as being particularly powerful - that of cleaning up tolerations…those usually niggly little things that tend to take up lots of mental or emotional energy just because they haven’t been handled.

The definition of a “Toleration” is anything that you are putting up with. Tolerations distract our attention; eg. “I really need to fix that…” and siphon our energy.

Today I was presented with an opportunity to clean up something that was, in the grand scheme, not a huge deal, but in the short term was eating at me.  I’d not been completely honest about a situation and knew that if I kept silent, it would bite me down the road.  So despite the intense dread, I made a couple of phone calls, left barely coherent messages, got the return calls and set the record straight.  Not pleasant.  Will have to live with some repercussions, but feel a lot better and was actually commended for the courage it took to make the calls.  I’d like to think that this was such a great lesson that I’ll do better from now on, but as I keep growing and trying to clean my heart and soul to be a clearer reflection of the Divine, I imagine there’ll always be more and more subtle cleaning that takes place.  I hope I learn to love this!!


Always do what you are afraid to do.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finding your own way

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Have you ever walked through an unfamiliar room in the dark, slowly feeling your way along so you didn’t trip over chairs or run into walls? Hands out, feeling along the wall until you found a doorway or sensed a bit of light (or found the light switch)? Maybe stubbing your toe along the way? Do you wind up “cursing the darkness?”

“No one of us has escaped a special plan. And everyone of us is inspired in particular ways, with particular talents.” Author unknown, Each Day a New Beginning

There comes a time for many of us when our life feels like that darkened room. We’ve followed the beaten path, the familiar path, but now some inner nudging is urging us to move on to a new road. We do have choices: we can keep following the well-worn path or blaze our own new one. One we can clearly discern; the other, barely, if ever, trodden. But what choices! Robert Frost wrote in The Road not Taken,

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth…

…I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

For some of us, it’s time to take a new road, perhaps a path that has not yet been blazed, yet is our path. And one we must take for our own growth, perhaps our own sanity. Maybe inner guidance is saying “This way. This way.” But as we look down, there’s no trail in front of us. No clear path to follow. Our inner guidance lets us know, the clear-cut path is not for us…we’ve passed the point of no return. We’re having to forge ahead, perhaps slowing our pace to an excruciatingly slow crawl, feeling along every millimeter, trying to find our openings. As we muddle along, learning to hear our guidance more clearly and feel for those openings more gracefully, our hearts begin to remember their purpose and say “yes.” And as that happens, our way is made lighter and more joyous. Given our world today, it is especially important that we each recognize and work at fulfilling our “special plan.” Each day, take a step along your path, even if it is a tiny one. If you need help, ask for it. Be in communication with your inner guidance - listen and heed its advice. When your heart says “yes” - move with it! It knows the way home.

Starting small…it’s okay

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One small, authentic action.  Take those small, authentic, inspired actions consistently and you can get to where you want to be relatively quickly.  Take too big a step, it’s easier to get discouraged or fall, and it makes it harder to keep going.  I know when I’ve been out of the habit of exercise, it’s much easier for me to start slow, to get on the elliptical for even five minutes and be happy with that than HAVING to go for 30 minutes or more.  My husband says, “Oh, you have to go for at least 30 minutes for it to be worthwhile.”  But I have to disagree - if I keep moving forward incrementally, I’m much more likely to keep going.    I know me…if I get too discouraged, I won’t continue.  Start small…it’s okay.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Many years ago, during her aerobics heyday, Jane Fonda offered an aerobics class at a local community college.  I was attending aerobics classes regularly, so I thought this was no big deal.  The class lasted about 90 minutes, but it really was more strenuous than the classes I’d been accustomed to - and of course, not wanting to “wimp out” I tried to keep up with all the other people in the class.    By the time I left the auditorium and began walking down the hill to my car, I knew I’d done too much.  I couldn’t stretch enough.  The next day I could barely walk.  My lunch-time run lasted about a block.  It was nearly a week before I felt loose enough to resume taking my dance classes.  I still laugh at the memory of doddering down the hill after that class with Ms. Fonda, but it’s a helpful reminder to strive towards my goal, but continue to recognize when I’m starting to tighten up…what’s the wisest course of action at THIS point?

If you have to start taking baby steps to reach your goal, so what?  Just keep asking if this particular action is moving towards your goal.  Does it feel like a good step, even if it isn’t a huge leap?  If it brings you closer to who you want to be or where you want to be, trust it’s a good step, take it, and feel for what’s next.   We’ll get there!

Dealing with the “yeah, buts”

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How often do you sabotage hopes and dreams by using those two words…”yeah, but…” They are dream busters. How can you stay focused on what you most want, with those words buzzing around you like bothersome gnats?

As you become more aware of your “yeah, buts” you can counteract them…by using another “yeah, but…” Think of a situation you’d like to experience - for example, you want to start an interior design business and you’re distracted by a “yeah, but I’m not sure I could make it.” You can turn a yeah, but to your advantage, with “Yeah, but I’m really enthused by working in interior design.” By using another “yeah, but…” it seems to lessen the strength of the first distracting “yeah, but.”

“Yeah, buts” happen. If they’re part of your vocabulary, learn to use ‘em to your advantage.

Life with more passion

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Do you want more passion in your life? More joy, more enthusiasm? What do you think is stopping the flow of these in your life?

I’m going to hazard a guess. If your life lacks passion and juice, it’s probably because you’re playing it safe, living in your comfort zone, even if it’s not pleasant. Remember that old saying, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t? We go around thinking, oh, this isn’t great, but “out there” could be worse! So, if you really do want to enjoy your life more, you’re likely going to have to get out of what you perceive as your comfy little world. You have to ask yourself: How comfortable is my comfort zone, really? It may feel safe at one level, but, if you go a little deeper or look from a broader perspective, is your comfort zone really healthfully comfortable? Comfort is great for shoes and waistbands, not so much for the evolution and growth of the soul.

So, we have a choice to stay “safe” or to venture out from our comfort zone. If we choose to venture out, we’re bound to meet resistance early on. In her book, Fearless Living, Rhonda Britten wrote, “Fear is the gatekeeper of your comfort zone.” Fear is going to try to talk you out of leaving your nice, cozy little box, reminding you of all the dangers you’ll face: the missteps, the disapproval, the uncertainty, the discomfort, etc. And some of those may actually happen. We just have to go back to what we want more - perceived comfort or living with more passion.

Do you say “yes” to more passion, more joy in your life? Is there a little part of you wanting to rock the boat a bit? To make some waves? To take a stand for yourself?

Where do you want to start? Where do you feel like the comfort zone just isn’t working any more? Let’s go out and rouse our own rabble! We deserve it!

Fumbling towards inner peace

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I found this blog with poetry about love, inner peace, broken hearts…   The author's name wasn't apparent, unfortunately.  Here's a snippet: 

Looking deep within to find that place of peace
Opening up your heart to expose nothing but the truth
Vulnerable feelings flow as you find out more and more
Every day a challenge as another layer removed

Yes, isn't inner peace about love?  Loving yourself.  Coming to grips with who you are…warts and all. Finding out more and more…going back to some of the forgotten and buried places and giving them a good cleaning.  Letting the shame and/or judgments be washed away.  At least that's how it's working for me.  I've finally finished a teacher's internship program and realize there's still a hesitation about going out and being seen.  A mentor has been mentioning for some time that I've some issues around fear hindering my stepping out.  I haven't wanted to "go there."  And now, it may be time.  One of the first "reasons" I face when looking at why I hide:  I do try to be a good person, but I've done a number of things I'm sooo not proud of.  The "really awful ones" were a long time ago, they're over and done with.  Except in my mind and in those places I've allowed shame and judgments about them to fester.  No inner peace is gonna grow in that environment!  Phewww!  Bit by bit, though, letting fresh air and healing energy, love, acceptance in - then that peace, and joy, and love can take root and grow.  

I may not ever LIKE some of my past actions, but the idea that I can let go of the shame and judgments?  Yes, that's a distinct possibility.  Another way of being set free.  Free at last, free at last.  Thank God Almighty, free at last.   I'm imagining I'm hearing Martin Luther King, Jr. speak those words.  Was he the one who spoke them so eloquently?   I've so appreciated hearing about him the last few days.  He is one of those who makes me want to play a bigger "game" than the one I am comfortable with…  May we all take greater stands for what is right, and just, and healthy, and holy and whole.

Your unique expression

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The other night I woke up in the middle of the night and for whatever reason, flipped on the television to the local PBS station. Christiane Northrup was speaking and began to quote famed dancer and choreographer, Martha Graham: “There is a vitality, a life force, an energy , a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. … No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others“‘

from The Life and Work of Martha Graham

I’m not certain how Ms. Graham defined “artist,” but the “vitality” and unique expression she spoke of fits many of us - or could! Perhaps it’s because it’s the new year, or that I spent a good portion of my holidays with family members in their 70’s and 80’s, that I am so wanting to take action to bring my own vitality and unique expression into the world and encourage that in others as well.  What happens if we shut our expression off? Are we somehow depriving the world of some very special gift (even if we don’t see that gift as special)? What if we are all pieces of a magnificent puzzle and our “job” here is to be fully ourselves so that we can fill in our part of the puzzle completely. And if we don’t fully blossom, the pieces of the puzzle just don’t fit together the way they were designed to. Or maybe if you shut off your flow of divine inspiration, the person you were meant to feed or nurture or inspire doesn’t get what they need to grow and flourish. Maybe if we don’t keep the channel open, our own inner sparkle doesn’t get what it needs to flourish. And that inner sparkle is, in my opinion, what gives us the joy, enthusiasm, and passion to live a rich, full, peace-filled life. I am excited and enthused about keeping my channel open, fully aware that my passion for promoting “sparkle” is not for everyone. But as my dear friend and coach extraordinaire, Molly Gordon , told me: “Sparkle is your gift and your responsibillity.” It’s a puzzle piece I want to make sure gets plumped up!

Inquiry

What are some of your unique expressions? Do you recognize a “need” to shut them down in the face of “disapproval” or comparisons? What might help you keep your channel open?

Choosing happiness

Filed Under Embracing uncertainty, Joyous Living, Sparkle, Stretching the comfort zone | Leave a Comment

"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."   Abraham LincolnLincoln

 When I read that quote, I imagine I can hear Mr. Lincoln saying those words in a down-to-earth, folksy manner.  Simple, matter-of-fact, this is how it is.  My heart really warms to it, even though it seems TOO simple.  I think we all want to be happy - I know I do, but making up our minds to be happy and sticking to it doesn't seem so simple.  Or maybe once we've gotten to the habit of feeling negative, it's just harder to make up our minds to change.  I was working with a client this morning who has pretty much determined that life isn't going to go well for her, and sure enough, that seems to be how things are turning out.  I think it takes a lot of fortitude to say "I'm going to change my attitude" when you can't see how to be any other way - and particularly if you don't know HOW to make that change.  I realize it's basically developing a new habit, just made a bit more challenging by the subtlety of the negative "voices" and the depth that they've been ingrained.

The biggest boosts for me have been to be more aware of my negative thinking sooner - and having an experience of feeling and behaving in another way.  Catching myself thinking self-defeating thoughts fairly early on - before they take root - is so beneficial.  For example, if I've just made a mistake, I'm able to catch myself right after the first (or second or third) self-berating thought and actually say something to myself along the lines of "Oh, sweetie, it's just a mistake.  It's okay.  What can we do about it/do differently?"  For me, the gentleness is such a blessing!  Bit by bit I am believing that I can make up my mind to be joyous - and keep learning "better ways" as I go along.  The second piece is that recently I've had experiences of the deep, inner sparkle growing brighter and brighter.  Being enthused about life.  Molly Gordon mentioned to be recently "You know, Shawn, sparkle is your gift and your responsibility."  I love the way that resonates so deeply inside me, so that my heart and soul say "YES!".  That (or something like that) gets to be my touchstone.  

So, the Sparkle Class is on it's way! 

Living a full life

Filed Under Authenticity, Embracing uncertainty, Freedom Challenge, Gratitude, Joyous Living, Setbacks as opportunities, Sparkle, Stretching the comfort zone | Leave a Comment

Over the last six months, three of my dear friends have lost their spouses.  Each time, I've been shaken by it, but I guess this third one has felt like a real wake up call.  All the cliches apply:  Life is short; Life is precious; Don't take life for granted; etc.  I want to throw everything that does not matter aside and give my passion and purpose free reign.  How else will I manage to keep finding new levels of inner peace?  Each time I squelch a part of myself that exudes joy, I can feel a bit of my soul shriveling up.  I don't want to die an unlived life!!  I pray that I can keep tapping into this passionate part of myself and help others to do the same, so that our world thrives on the best of ourselves rather than the fear that seems to be running rampant.

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