Releasing Shame

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What is it about shame?

Holding on to shame, continuing to harbor negative feelings about our sense of shame, severely limits us from being who we’ve been created to be - we don’t feel great about ourselves because we’re ashamed, feel less than, having to hide something; we aren’t as open as we’d like to be, particularly if we’re seeking authenticity, which so many of us are today.

What kinds of things do women feel shame about?

Well, there are the “big” things lying, cheating, stealing (…oh, Lord, I hate to admit it, I’ve done all of those things at one time or another). The things we did do and the things we didn’t do. And the other things we wouldn’t particularly want our neighbors or colleagues to know about us.

Where does your body hold shame?

Often shame lodges in the belly and/or solar plexus. Begin to notice where you feel your body reacting to the shame you feel about a shame-inducing incident. It feels to me like I’m pulling in, hiding, covering myself.

Go kinda easy on yourself

One of the gifts I’m receiving is an opportunity to heal huge amounts of shame I’ve held on to for years, as well as the more recent stuff. Although some of it feels pretty crappy, there is also space and a peace, particularly as I can open up and let God into those dark and lonely places. I am so grateful that I can see the benefits of this process – as it’s pretty foul stuff that’s coming up. This is what I’ve been asking for…to be clean and used by God. Wouldn’t it be great to appreciate more of our process/journey? Hopefully, more and more with time - I guess this is part of the process, too! It’s not an easy process, but I can feel it will be well worth it.

INQUIRY:

How would your life be more fulfilling with less shame?

Spiritually directed - where?

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Carol Costello and I have been working together as part of her Spiritual Director program through Mercy Center. We’ve come up with the idea of being “God’s Girls.” Imagine my disappointment to find the site for GodsGirls is a PORN site. So disappointing, as I was hoping to connect with other women who feel like they’re God’s Girls. Have to do some checking around. Bummer about the porn site! (I guess those girls are God’s girls, too. Just not the ones I was hoping to find.)

I love working with Carol on this spiritual direction stuff. I am just loving being more and more in touch with God…having more and more of an awareness of His presence in my life. I love thinking of myself as being one of God’s girls…no matter what my age. Having that glow, being vibrantly alive, no matter what other people think, because God’s opinion is the only one that matters…and He loves me being vibrant!

Being Real

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A number of years ago, I had a favorite devotional I used in my recovery program. Somewhere along the line, it fell apart and I probably tossed it. I can’t remember the name and I haven’t been able to find another copy, but I DO remember one of the stories that really touched me & I loved reading it! In the story a mother, grandmother, and little girl go to a restaurant and the waitress takes the orders for the two women and then turns to the little girl and asks what she would like. The girl’s mother starts to answer, but the waitress raises her hand to stop her and again, turns to the little girl and repeats her question. The little girl joyously gives her order, the waitress smiles, says “Coming right up!” and begins to walk away. The little girl excitedly says, “Mommy! Mommy! She thinks I’m REAL!”1164704972c1ctth

I get a little teary when I think of the story…how many of us didn’t feel very real growing up? Even now, it often feels that people are so hungry for been seen for who they are, rather than what they’re doing.


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Life as an exploration

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I think I should have my life all figured out by now. I am in my fifties, after all… older than my new doctor. Omigosh. How did THAT happen? And when?
I never thought my life would be so much trial-and-error. I guess I thought it was going to be (or at least it was supposed to be) try-and-be-very-good-right-away. In my dreams…like the one where the I meet this handsome, kind, intelligent, spiritual, rich guy who adores me and we live happily ever after. Yeah, that one.

Life Lab

So, waking up seems to mean that you accept that there’s a lot of experimenting and trying things out. This is your Life Lab. What works here? What is it you DO want? Eeeew! That’s not what you were expecting! What’s next? And realizing nothing is WRONG, it really is just not the outcome you’d hoped for. So, what IS next?

What’s Next?

Just received my copy of Style Statement by Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte. I am excited about delving into this book, probably because when I first heard Carrie McCarthy speak about people being “thirsty for knowing themselves” I thought, here’s a woman after my own heart. The book seems to offer some great questions for self-discovery, and I’m jazzed about the process! McCarthy & LaPorte write,

“We rarely think twice about what we’re attracted to. But what floats our boat - and why - is the zillion-dollar question.”

Inquiry

What do you love - and why?

Joining the revolution

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This morning I ran across a video clip that made me feel like I’d found some long-lost family. “People are thirsty for knowing themselves” and “we want to start a revolution in people being authentic” were two of the first comments out of Carrie’s mouth. Omigosh! Someone who’s part of “my tribe” that I didn’t know was out there! I’m not alone!

Okay, so I know I’m not alone, but there are those days when I wonder if I’m off course with the work I do…that I long to share. You know, the “well, given the economy, isn’t what you do a luxury?” In my heart, my soul, it’s “No! This is some of the most important work imaginable!” Knowing yourself, being authentic, finding your own sense of joy, genius, sparkle…THAT’S what this precious life is all about! I’ve been dabbling in this revolution for several years now, so the revolution’s started, it just has to gain momentum!

I’ve just purchased the “Style Statement” book & looking forward to reading it!

Inquiry

Two of the questions asked by Carrie and Danielle were:
What do you love?
Why do you love it?

well behaved women

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Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich wrote those (or very similar) words in an article, Vertuous Women Found: New England Ministerial Literature, 1668-1735 . American Quarterly, Vol. 28, No. 1 (Spring, 1976), pp. 20-40
doi:10.2307/2712475

“Cotton Mather called them the “the hidden ones.” They never preached or sat in a deacon’s bench. Nor did they vote or attend Harvard. Neither, because they were virtuous women, did they question God or the magistrates. They prayed secretly, read the Bible through at least once a year, and went to hear the minister preach even when it snowed. Hoping for an eternal crown, they never asked to be remembered on earth. And they haven’t been. Well-behaved women seldom make history…”

I smile whenever I read those last words. Makes me feel like being sassy is okay. Or if not sassy, at least being able to stand up for what we believe. Although today being a virtuous woman is pretty much taking a stand against the “norm.” Living a life in hopes of that “eternal crown” may seem very out of tune with our culture.

March is Women’s History Month. What’s the history you’d like to make? Do you write it down? One of the reviewers of Ms. Ulrich’s recent book, “Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History” wrote that “history isn’t simply what happened in the past; it is what later generations choose to remember.” We can help future generations remember by telling our stories.

What’s mine to do

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Enthusiasm is the yeast that makes your hopes shine to the stars. Enthusiasm is the sparkle in your eyes, the swing in your gait. The grip of your hand, the irresistible surge of will and energy to execute your ideas.
- Henry Ford

Have you ever found something you were really passionate about…a thought or idea that you knew was “yours” to build on, even though it might seem unlikely to others? I’ve come, grudgingly, to realize the idea of inner sparkle is “mine.” Being a fairly serious sort much of the time, this sparkle idea often seems unlikely to me, let alone others to whom this gift hasn’t been given. For months, I’ve really tried to put it aside, pretend it isn’t there, get on to more serious subjects…important subjects. Railing at God that He must have something more important for me to be working on than (aack!) sparkle. Yet the railing does little good, and for my own sanity, I work to investigate my negative thoughts and obstacles to seeing sparkle as something not only valid, but valuable to many people, perhaps even key to living a more joyous and productive life. Couldn’t that thought be just as true?

One of the hiccups is that the word sparkle has the connotation of “bling” but that’s not the kind of sparkle I’m talking about. I’m talking enthusiasm and joy, awe and wonder,204545936_fa331c0bb0_m.jpg appreciation and gratitude for this amazing life.  Letting ourselves fill with those qualities. Fill to overflowing, so that they overflow and send sparkle on to the next person. I smile when I think of those people I’ve seen who are our natural sparklers. People can’t help but lightening up around those kinds of folks. Maybe it’s that they strike something within us that has been covered over and now gets a chance to shine. I think it’s time that more sparkle does happen. More light, more inner peace, more joy, more hope. With this inner sparkle, this enthusiasm, our hopes and dreams may shine to the stars. Do I want to live like that? Do I find that valuable? Do I want to be filled with awe and wonder and enthusiasm? Uhhhhh, yeah.

What would your life be like with more inner sparkle, more enthusiasm? What would you be up to? What makes your heart smile? Where and how can you find more of that?

photo: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/60/204545936_fa331c0bb0_m.jpg

Fumbling towards inner peace

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I found this blog with poetry about love, inner peace, broken hearts…   The author's name wasn't apparent, unfortunately.  Here's a snippet: 

Looking deep within to find that place of peace
Opening up your heart to expose nothing but the truth
Vulnerable feelings flow as you find out more and more
Every day a challenge as another layer removed

Yes, isn't inner peace about love?  Loving yourself.  Coming to grips with who you are…warts and all. Finding out more and more…going back to some of the forgotten and buried places and giving them a good cleaning.  Letting the shame and/or judgments be washed away.  At least that's how it's working for me.  I've finally finished a teacher's internship program and realize there's still a hesitation about going out and being seen.  A mentor has been mentioning for some time that I've some issues around fear hindering my stepping out.  I haven't wanted to "go there."  And now, it may be time.  One of the first "reasons" I face when looking at why I hide:  I do try to be a good person, but I've done a number of things I'm sooo not proud of.  The "really awful ones" were a long time ago, they're over and done with.  Except in my mind and in those places I've allowed shame and judgments about them to fester.  No inner peace is gonna grow in that environment!  Phewww!  Bit by bit, though, letting fresh air and healing energy, love, acceptance in - then that peace, and joy, and love can take root and grow.  

I may not ever LIKE some of my past actions, but the idea that I can let go of the shame and judgments?  Yes, that's a distinct possibility.  Another way of being set free.  Free at last, free at last.  Thank God Almighty, free at last.   I'm imagining I'm hearing Martin Luther King, Jr. speak those words.  Was he the one who spoke them so eloquently?   I've so appreciated hearing about him the last few days.  He is one of those who makes me want to play a bigger "game" than the one I am comfortable with…  May we all take greater stands for what is right, and just, and healthy, and holy and whole.

What is calling you out of hiding?

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As a part of starting a new year, I am in the process of changing many things. Over the last year, I’ve recognized that my work has been changing, taking on a slightly different theme from the one I’d originally started with. I noticed I hadn’t been using my old cards for some time because they no longer “felt right.” So, several months ago, I began working with a long-term friend of mine, Billy Hill , to remodel my logo. “Have you put it on anything besides stationery?” asked Kathy Mallary , somewhat bewildered by my “hiding out.” “Does it have some significance for you? Does it express you and your work is some meaningful way? If so, then let people know about it!” she said. So, here is my remodeled logo - which has tremendous significance for me! The dancer element was the one piece I didn’t want to lose, for a variety of reasons. First of all, even though I’ve not been trained as a dancer, my soul dances all the time, so a logo that expresses me and my work, would naturally include a dancer. This dancer, in particular, leaps with joy and abandon. Secondly, the body of the dancer is made up of a “J” (for Joyous) and an “L” (for Life) - for Joyous LifeWorks. The circle is significant, to me, because it represents being able to come out of one’s shell…sensing the opening and leaping for it…undaunted, and with joy!

Coming out of hiding, coming out from a shell. Exciting, invigorating, a little scary…just because it’s new. Does every new year hold this much hope? Probably, although, maybe because I am getting older, I’m wanting to make “sure” I live my life full out, so each day seems to hold more opportunity - or at least more opportunity that I’m willing to reach for.

Inquiry

What are you hoping to leap for this year? What is calling you out of “hiding?”